What my bipolar depressive episodes feel like

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 I feel like this a lot. Especially at night when I can't sleep, which is most nights. That may be my schedule now but even when I want to I can't. I'm never thinking about anything particular... At first. Then everything slowly creeps back in that I've either thought I've dealt with and let go or built a wall around and forgotten. I plaster a smile on my face like most of us do but the difference is mine is hardly real. When I try to describe the feeling to myself I can't. I couldn't even begin to know where to start and even I don't get it. Then it comes back. 
 It's a deep sadness. It's not the kind of sad you feel when someone hurts your feelings and you cry and feel better tomorrow or even an hour from then. No, this sadness is a darkness and in the darkness is who I am. The sadness starts as a little bit of a headache, then anger. If anyone tried to talk to me or does anything I think is even a little annoying, which is usual everything, I think horrible thoughts about them and have to get away. Then I'm alone. Again. That deep down feeling of alone that I hate but can't live without. I have knots in my stomach. It's not small tight knots like when you're nervous, but more like one huge rock that fills me up all the way out and all the way up. It chokes me. I can't breathe. I don't even know if I want to but that's for later. I can barely swallow. Then when I do it's like I'm swallowing something even when I know I'm not. Then the thoughts creep in. I "feel" this anxious screaming in my head. Like a million people at once but there's no discernible words. I'm shaking. Just slightly. I'm smoking trying to calm my nerves. I'm watching t.v. On my phone to distract me but it only works briefly. Then I'm back. Back in my head. Alone. In the darkness. I feel the tears welling up about now. Again. They're not the kind that come easy when you're newly hurt. Instead these are the kind that come from years of pain, rejection, mistakes made, love lost, life lived, life lost, and the current situation in which I'm stuck. No one ever realized how lucky they are to have people and family who care and love them unconditionally and want the best for them so much that they sacrifice and plan for their success by saving for school, caring about their grades, helping them with college, etc. I know what I didn't have and that hurts too. These Are deep cuts. Too deep to scar over anytime soon. I remember as a teenager. I used to sleep around a lot. I was a "late bloomer". Never pretty by societys standards and ignored and teased by everyone. Then boys became hormonal and I became easy bait. I took it. I thought they had to love me. It's the only thing I'm good at. Then they always just went back to their girlfriends. Why would I think that I was special? How naive. You'd be surprised how far my low self esteem let me fall. That's more of it. The tears that fall aren't new. No, these are years that fall as well. Then I think of how cruel everyone can be. Don't worry. I'm not that crazy. I don't blame anyone else for my misfortunes. Everything that's happened to me I've let happen. I get that. I trust way too easily and find good even where there is none and am surprised in the end when I get hurt. People wonder why I stay alone. Why I don't go out. Don't make friends. Have bad social anxiety. Hell, most of them don't even believe me that I'm not the typical 25 year old. My, my, how looks can deceive. 
 Then more thoughts creep in. Why be here at all. I know I have things to live for and those who need me who came from me but I hate the thought of never becoming better. Life never getting easier. Never being given a chance to move forward and buy that big nice house or even a house at all. Hell, I can't even pay my bills. I'm living paycheck to paycheck in threat of everything always being shut off. There's worse still but there's just some things that aren't appropriate even here. 
 I often think about ending it but I'm too chicken shit at this point. So instead to stop the pain, or instead dull those senses I cut. No one ever knows. So it can't be for attention like so many like to think of people like me. I've been doing it since I was ten. I stopped a for a couple years until about a year ago. When I cut it feels good. It makes me feel like maybe it's possible to feel something. Anything at all. It also distracts from my emotional and mental pain. Then eventually I fall asleep and sleep and sleep so I don't have to deal with my life unless absolutely necessary. 
 Lord knows I've tried everything. Drugs for one. Who thinks they're gonna become addicted? We all believe it's not gonna happen to us. That we have total control. Until it does happen.  I've been clean for a while now. I'm not on any psych meds which is part of my problem. I was a lot better off when I was as a teenager. I tried to dull my pain and escape with drugs. Like a lot of people do with drinking, sex, food, shopping, etc. I stopped that because it was killing me. No I'm not going to sit here and say that's why I stopped. My god! That's what I hoped would happen! Unfortunately or fortunately, whichever way you look at it, that never happened to me. 
 Now when I feel that way my addictive personality seeps right back in and I cry while I do my hair and then force myself to stop while I do my makeup and get dressed up. Trying to put a mask on to make myself believe I'm ok and even happy. A lot of times I buy into it. I'm good at it now. It's even real to me. But then night time comes around and when the world is asleep and I'm truly alone again the truth comes back into my head. 
 To be quite honest I don't just give into my madness often. I've slowed down on the cutting and have figured out a way to cause maximum pain with the least amount of damage so no one knows when I've done anything like that. Most days I can avoid it. I take a bath with all of my aromatherapy and bright colors. Then do my makeup and look at the entire sephora site nightly to make myself feel better because these things truly do make me smile and feel better even when it's temporary. But even then another malady creeps in. Body dysmorphic disorder. I sit in front of a mirror or naked in the bath and tell myself how gross I am. I try to starve myself but then I'm week and I binge. Then I make myself sick to try and reverse it. I would give anything for plastic surgery. Just to fix my stomach and maybe some bigger boobs ;) I felt so good about myself for the first time ever when I got my breasts done. After the baby the weight I gained was horrid and I.would give anything for a gym membership but that's not available to someone with my income when I have other priorities. But even if I did get skinny there's all this skin from my c sections that sticks around and makes me look so much worse. I feel so ugly all the time. I hate myself every second of every day. I just am so unhappy. 
 The only thing that truly makes me happy is my son. He's so beautiful but that too is tinged with sadness. I can love him more than anything buy I know he will always be needing things I cannot provide. I just wasn't fortunate enough to.get a good head start and my mistakes will now always keep me here. It's sad he will have to suffer in poverty like I had to with my mother. I love her so but that didn't change the fact that I went hungry two weeks out of every month and only ate once a day at school during those weeks after the food stamps ran out. That's what I've done some pretty crazy things for money. Because I vowed that no matter what I have to do to myself, even if it hurts me more than anything has ever hurt me, I will sacrifice anything so he won't ever have to endure those things that a child should never experience. 
 I feel bad because the loss of my other children that I can love this one and be there physically. That too is hard. But he does make me smile and in the end I know that's what I was put here for. 
 A lot of this may sound crazy or disorganized because I was typing as I'm actually reliving these feelings once again and not giving a play by play of something past so I'm sorry. And I'm sorry if this is a bit graphic or weird but if I can help one person understand this illness or another know they're not alone than me coming out like this is worth it.