Saturday, January 28, 2017

What my bipolar depressive episodes feel like

.

 I feel like this a lot. Especially at night when I can't sleep, which is most nights. That may be my schedule now but even when I want to I can't. I'm never thinking about anything particular... At first. Then everything slowly creeps back in that I've either thought I've dealt with and let go or built a wall around and forgotten. I plaster a smile on my face like most of us do but the difference is mine is hardly real. When I try to describe the feeling to myself I can't. I couldn't even begin to know where to start and even I don't get it. Then it comes back. 
 It's a deep sadness. It's not the kind of sad you feel when someone hurts your feelings and you cry and feel better tomorrow or even an hour from then. No, this sadness is a darkness and in the darkness is who I am. The sadness starts as a little bit of a headache, then anger. If anyone tried to talk to me or does anything I think is even a little annoying, which is usual everything, I think horrible thoughts about them and have to get away. Then I'm alone. Again. That deep down feeling of alone that I hate but can't live without. I have knots in my stomach. It's not small tight knots like when you're nervous, but more like one huge rock that fills me up all the way out and all the way up. It chokes me. I can't breathe. I don't even know if I want to but that's for later. I can barely swallow. Then when I do it's like I'm swallowing something even when I know I'm not. Then the thoughts creep in. I "feel" this anxious screaming in my head. Like a million people at once but there's no discernible words. I'm shaking. Just slightly. I'm smoking trying to calm my nerves. I'm watching t.v. On my phone to distract me but it only works briefly. Then I'm back. Back in my head. Alone. In the darkness. I feel the tears welling up about now. Again. They're not the kind that come easy when you're newly hurt. Instead these are the kind that come from years of pain, rejection, mistakes made, love lost, life lived, life lost, and the current situation in which I'm stuck. No one ever realized how lucky they are to have people and family who care and love them unconditionally and want the best for them so much that they sacrifice and plan for their success by saving for school, caring about their grades, helping them with college, etc. I know what I didn't have and that hurts too. These Are deep cuts. Too deep to scar over anytime soon. I remember as a teenager. I used to sleep around a lot. I was a "late bloomer". Never pretty by societys standards and ignored and teased by everyone. Then boys became hormonal and I became easy bait. I took it. I thought they had to love me. It's the only thing I'm good at. Then they always just went back to their girlfriends. Why would I think that I was special? How naive. You'd be surprised how far my low self esteem let me fall. That's more of it. The tears that fall aren't new. No, these are years that fall as well. Then I think of how cruel everyone can be. Don't worry. I'm not that crazy. I don't blame anyone else for my misfortunes. Everything that's happened to me I've let happen. I get that. I trust way too easily and find good even where there is none and am surprised in the end when I get hurt. People wonder why I stay alone. Why I don't go out. Don't make friends. Have bad social anxiety. Hell, most of them don't even believe me that I'm not the typical 25 year old. My, my, how looks can deceive. 
 Then more thoughts creep in. Why be here at all. I know I have things to live for and those who need me who came from me but I hate the thought of never becoming better. Life never getting easier. Never being given a chance to move forward and buy that big nice house or even a house at all. Hell, I can't even pay my bills. I'm living paycheck to paycheck in threat of everything always being shut off. There's worse still but there's just some things that aren't appropriate even here. 
 I often think about ending it but I'm too chicken shit at this point. So instead to stop the pain, or instead dull those senses I cut. No one ever knows. So it can't be for attention like so many like to think of people like me. I've been doing it since I was ten. I stopped a for a couple years until about a year ago. When I cut it feels good. It makes me feel like maybe it's possible to feel something. Anything at all. It also distracts from my emotional and mental pain. Then eventually I fall asleep and sleep and sleep so I don't have to deal with my life unless absolutely necessary. 
 Lord knows I've tried everything. Drugs for one. Who thinks they're gonna become addicted? We all believe it's not gonna happen to us. That we have total control. Until it does happen.  I've been clean for a while now. I'm not on any psych meds which is part of my problem. I was a lot better off when I was as a teenager. I tried to dull my pain and escape with drugs. Like a lot of people do with drinking, sex, food, shopping, etc. I stopped that because it was killing me. No I'm not going to sit here and say that's why I stopped. My god! That's what I hoped would happen! Unfortunately or fortunately, whichever way you look at it, that never happened to me. 
 Now when I feel that way my addictive personality seeps right back in and I cry while I do my hair and then force myself to stop while I do my makeup and get dressed up. Trying to put a mask on to make myself believe I'm ok and even happy. A lot of times I buy into it. I'm good at it now. It's even real to me. But then night time comes around and when the world is asleep and I'm truly alone again the truth comes back into my head. 
 To be quite honest I don't just give into my madness often. I've slowed down on the cutting and have figured out a way to cause maximum pain with the least amount of damage so no one knows when I've done anything like that. Most days I can avoid it. I take a bath with all of my aromatherapy and bright colors. Then do my makeup and look at the entire sephora site nightly to make myself feel better because these things truly do make me smile and feel better even when it's temporary. But even then another malady creeps in. Body dysmorphic disorder. I sit in front of a mirror or naked in the bath and tell myself how gross I am. I try to starve myself but then I'm week and I binge. Then I make myself sick to try and reverse it. I would give anything for plastic surgery. Just to fix my stomach and maybe some bigger boobs ;) I felt so good about myself for the first time ever when I got my breasts done. After the baby the weight I gained was horrid and I.would give anything for a gym membership but that's not available to someone with my income when I have other priorities. But even if I did get skinny there's all this skin from my c sections that sticks around and makes me look so much worse. I feel so ugly all the time. I hate myself every second of every day. I just am so unhappy. 
 The only thing that truly makes me happy is my son. He's so beautiful but that too is tinged with sadness. I can love him more than anything buy I know he will always be needing things I cannot provide. I just wasn't fortunate enough to.get a good head start and my mistakes will now always keep me here. It's sad he will have to suffer in poverty like I had to with my mother. I love her so but that didn't change the fact that I went hungry two weeks out of every month and only ate once a day at school during those weeks after the food stamps ran out. That's what I've done some pretty crazy things for money. Because I vowed that no matter what I have to do to myself, even if it hurts me more than anything has ever hurt me, I will sacrifice anything so he won't ever have to endure those things that a child should never experience. 
 I feel bad because the loss of my other children that I can love this one and be there physically. That too is hard. But he does make me smile and in the end I know that's what I was put here for. 
 A lot of this may sound crazy or disorganized because I was typing as I'm actually reliving these feelings once again and not giving a play by play of something past so I'm sorry. And I'm sorry if this is a bit graphic or weird but if I can help one person understand this illness or another know they're not alone than me coming out like this is worth it. 

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Best high end foundations for extremely oily skin and acne.

Best Foundation For Oily & Acne Prone skin!


 After years and years of research and trial and error. Hundreds of dollars spent. Hours in The mirror. Days testing. Makeup returns and exchanges. I've finally found the perfect Medium to Full coverage foundations for everyone. That includes those who prefer powder, those who love liquid, those who like liquid but never thought they could wear it because of their skin, etc. 

 Firstly, a foundation is a great thing to even out the skin, blur large pores, discoloration and acne BUT everything has it's place. For instance, if you're essentially wearing a concealer as your foundation you're sure to break out. Not to mention your acne and discoloration will be a lot more likely to come through throughout the day. To cover these things you need to start with a concealer. Concealer is basically a super pigmented and focused foundation. It will cover blemishes, redness, dark circles, scarring, etc. And last all day if you have the right concealer. There's so many concealers that serve different purposes like color correction (erase paste by Benefit) or under eyes (it cosmetics has a wonderful one.) Or any number of issues. My favorite is going to be an all purpose concealer that will cover all of those problems and stay there. I've tried many different ones from all price points and the very best is Anastasia Beverly hills concealer. Its oil free, blends easily, a little bit goes a looong way and a years worth or longer of concealer only costs you $20. This stuff is $20!! It's pigmented enough to cover tattoos but is still breathable and lasts all day long by itself or on top of primer. On days I'm in a hurry I cover my blemishes with this stuff and pop a translucent powder over it (Laura Mercier Translucent Powder) and I'm confident enough to go. I have extreme acne, redness, scarring, large pores, dark circles etc. So that's really saying something!

 Now you can wear a primer and there's plenty of those to serve different purposes like filling in large pores, helping acne, color correction and so much more. I haven't found a holy grail primer that makes a huge difference all day long or makes my makeup last longer or look better but I have been using Benefit Porefessional primer below Benefit Porefessional Matte Rescue which is often mistaken for a primer but it is not. It's meant to go on top of primer to stop oil throughout the day. I honestly don't notice a huge difference but I use it anyway. I really have always loved and come back to Smashbox Photo Finish Primer. They come in a variety of Primers for a variety of skin issues or the original. A little goes a long way but it is a bit spendy. Fortunately they sell smaller sizes that are about $16 so you can buy as you need it. 

 Next and last before we get into the foundation is another thing that really helps and that is setting sprays and translucent powders. Most of the time we need a matte foundation. Dewy just makes us more oily so I don't recommend powder from the point of finishing your makeup as it will make you look powdery. It is however great for mid day shine control. Swipe a little on mid day and your back to matte. 
 Setting sprays on the other hand are great! Itkeeps my makeup looking as perfect as it did when I finished it at the end of the day. Even if I sleep on it mid day I wake up and my eye and face makeup hasn't budged. The only one I have tried is Urban Decay All Nighter Setting Spray Original. Although they also have a B6 spray, a moisturizing spray and an oil control spray. I just love the original so I don't mess with it.  This can be a bit spendy as well but it lasts a while. The full size is around $30 and the half size is about $16. 

 These things all prolong the life of your foundation but these foundations are amazingon their own. I've made sure to test them that way as well although they can be even better with the above products in the way they look and last. Those things are not at all necessary except for the concealer for acne or extreme discoloration. 

 First and a long time favorite is Christian Dior Airflash Foundation. This was the original airbrush spray foundation that started the fad. It's been well loved ever since. You can either spray evenly over your entire face and then blend by pressing in with finger tips or Beauty Blender or spray onto foundation brush or concentrated spots on your face and treat it as you would any liquid foundation. I have an in depth review of this on the blog so i won't spend too much time but let's get into the good and the bad. The good. This foundation gives a truly airbrush, matte finish. It is full coverage and covers most imperfections all by itself. It looks perfect and lasts all day long without any special products. It's super easy to apply and blend into a natural look. It feels light and like your skin can breathe. The bad. It can show a little bit of texture like a lot of matte foundations. By texture i mean it can show the pores and bumps on your skin. It's nothing major and a primer or setting spray combats this. This foundation is $62 usd.


 Next foundation is the Christian Dior Forever Foundation. This is my current love. I was getting really sick of the unnatural mask look of the super matte formula. It seemed that i would never be able to find anything different that would work for me. Finally i did. I got a free sample by asking for it at Sephora. She made it for me right there straight out of the bottle. I used it once and ordered it online immediately. I've been using it daily for a week now with no intentions of stopping. This foundation somehow gives a matte look with a slight dewy or bright finish. The best way to describe the finish is that it looks like skin. Perfect, better than natural skin. It doesn't accentuate any areas that arent smooth or break me out. It also lasts all day long with the same perfect skin look as when you applied it. It's super easy to apply. It's a bit more on the liquid side as opposed to the thick and creamy type. That doesn't detract at all from the coverage though. This stuff is buildable from medium to super full coverage and you need very little to cover your entire face and jaw line. This bottle will last you forever. There is no bad that i can think of other than the high end price which is $50 Usd. 



 Next up is the Marc Jacobs Remarcable Foundation. This foundation is $55 a bottle but you need a pea sized dot on the four corners of your face and that's it. That will give full coverage to your entire face. This is super full coverage and blends easily. It lasts all day and then some. Like the rest of these oily skin doesn't make it slide around or come off.  The bad is that it does have the potential to cause break outs and clog pores. Although unlikely, I have heard this from a couple people. 


 Next up is Urban Decay All Nighter Foundation. At around $42 Usd this is the highest coverage, longest lasting foundation of them all. Oil and shine will not come through this stuff. It lasts a minumum of 16 hours and covers every blemish and pore and more. This has an ultra matte finish that looks almost like velvet. This is a hard working foundation. If I'm going to be sweating a lot or know I'm having an extremely oily day this is the stuff i wear. Unfortunately, my skin can't breathe. It feels like I'm wearing a bit of a heavy mask. Because of this it's not an every day foundation. I only wear this on special occasions or very sweaty or oily days. Some people complain of break outs and oxidation. That's where the color turns darker after it's hit air and dries. That didn't happen to me but it's probably a good idea to test them first to find a good color match. 

 Now the last three are going to be full coverage powder foundations. 


 The first and second cheapest of all of these foundations and the one i wear most often is the Tarte Cosmetics Full Coverage Airbrush Foundation Powder. 
This stuff is $36. You apply this with any brush meant for powder. I prefer a Kabuki brush. It applies quickly and evenly and is full coverag3 with not a lot of product. There's a lot of product in this so it's definitely worth the money in my opinion. My skin can breathe, it doesnt clog pores, it helps suck up oil, lasts most of the day and there's a huge selection of colors and undertones for a perfect match. There's absolutely nothing bad i can say about this stuff. This is the best everyday foundation or foundation for during a break out when you need the least amount of product on your face. 


Second powder and another Christian Dior Foundation. Diorskin Forever Flawless Fusion Makeup. It's $54 and i have all the same things to say about it as the Tarte. The only difference is that it has finer powder particles so i believe it blurs pores and imperfections even better so there's hardly any texture. 


Last but not least is the cheapest. It's Bare Minerals Original Mineral Make up foundation powder. $38 for starter kit with other products, $40 for deluxe size and around $28 for original size. This is exactly the same in my opinion as the Tarte powder but is more of a mineral makeup. Some would say it's more natural. This is a great one but does require touch ups about once or twice a day depending on how oily you are. Love the starter kits and the deluxe size they came out with at an economical price point this holiday season. As of right now it's still available at Sephora.

And that's it every one. Years of drugstore makeup failures, makeup causing break outs, hours of experimenting and so much more i have a list of holy grail products. Hopefully i can help some of you avoid all of that. 


Also skincare is so important but that's dor another post. An honourable mention that i can't leave out is Christian Dior Dreamskin perfector cream. It's a primer, an anti aging serum perfector. It immediately takes away all redness, reduces pore size and discoloration and evens skintone. Over time it takes away fine lines and wrinkles and even healed my acne and helped lessen my oil production. It is costly at $115 1oz or $150 1.7oz. There's also a foundation in this line that's full coverage and has this serum in it but i have not had the luxury of trying it yet. That is $82 for the compact and then approx $46 for the refills for the compact when the first one is empty. 

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Wednesday, January 11, 2017

My adventures in Gluten Free Food! Is it real or just cardboard?

         My adventures in gluten free eating!         



After many thoughtful reviews and hours answering questions I received my complementary VoxBox from Influenster. 
 There was a bag of Glutino Pretzels and three coupons for three free items of food. 
Those items, one each, were from the brands .evoL Foods, Udi Gluten Free Foods and Earth Balance. 

 I went to my local Kroger in Louisville, KY and looked around the organic foods section of the store. These brands were hard to find and were dwarfed by other brands like Simple Truth so I had to spend an unnatural amount of time for a mother on the go searching for each item. It was actually pretty frustrating. Then when I did find the specified brands there was only one to two items each to choose from which left my selection very small. Granted this is no Trader Joes or Rainbow Foods if you're from the midwest but I never even considered a grocery store brand would have such slim pickings. By grocery store brand I of course mean a brand big enough to be carried and sold by big chain grocery stores. 
 My point is I wish there was more of a selection available at main grocery locations



 Once I found the Earths Balance logo I grabbed the cheeze it type crackers. It was all they  had. They look just like the original cracker they are formed after but instead offer a gluten free and vegan, plant based option.  Now I'm a junk foor queen. I don't eat a lot and don't have an eating problem  and am not obese by any means but I love my sweet and savory foods. I love how food tastes and me and diet foods just don't get along. Lol. I gave these a try anyway because I vowed to taste at least every product given to me for moral reasons (millions of starving people) and efficiency reasons. 
 So back to the cracker. Again it looks, feels and smells like a cheese it. I popped one in my mouth after giving my toddler a few, and tasted it. It was surprisingly good! There's this real cheese taste that actually tastes like expensive, real cheddar. There was a little bit of aftertaste of that real cheddar taste but not much. It was salty enough and had a great crunch to it. The consistency and feel of it in your mouth is exactly that of the name brand and well loved cheese it. My two year old son liked them as well. I would say this is definitely a great choice for a healthy snack for anyone for any reason. If you can eat the same thing but it be healthier than why wouldn't you.  Not to mention it's vegan. It almost makes the vegan lifestyle seem not so hard or crazy sounding. 



 Next I grabbed the Udis Gluten Free hot breakfast sandwiches. Again there were only two things from this brand, both being breakfast sandwiches. One more diet like with turkey sausage, egg whites and Swiss cheese, and the other with american cheese, regular sausage and regular eggs. I chose the more regular. You have to wrap it in a paper towel and then defrost in the microwave and then stop, turn over and microwave fully. It all takes less than 3 minutes but if you're just looking for a press it and forget it this probably isn't it. Not to mention it's about $5 for two sandwiches which seems like a lot to me compared to a sausage mcmuffin for a dollar but organic food is always a bit more. 
 This sandwich looked unappealing because of the so called bread. They are two thin bread like wafers. They aren't rock hard but they're not bread soft by any means. I bit into it and it tasted alright actually. The bread was tasteless and firm and that through me off a bit so I removed the bread wafers and ate the middle of the sandwhich. Everything between it tasted just like it should. I would even say it was really good. The cheese was cheesy and the sausage was savory and the egg had some fluff and some taste to it. It was all great. The bread would take a bit of getting used to but it's an alright sandwich. No I wouldn't purchase these but for anyone whos on a gluten free diet I would definitely give these a shot. 



Next was from the brand .evoL and they had two frozen dinners and some frozenl bean and cheese burrito type things. I went for the goat cheese ravioli. Goat cheese is creamy. Like as creamy as cream cheese if you've never had it. It's yummy. So I popped it in the microwave and followed the simple directions and waited. It didn't take long at all and it was actually smelling really good while I was cooking it. I take it out and really give it a good look. Compared to the picture on the box it's markedly different. Of course it's always that way yes but I was a bit let down by the number of ravioli in this $6 dinner. There were only 3. For that price I'd expect a full bowl as pictured. Or at least a couple more. They were also a bit light on the cheese. Good thing I had a salad or I wouldn't have been full or been able to call this dinner. In it's own it's more like lunch at these sizes. 
 So onto the taste. The cheese was creamy enough. It tasted great. Just as it should. No weird texture at all. The sauce was really creamy and savory. None of this needed any extra seasoning. Not even salt. The veggies in it were nice and tasty and an added flavorful touch. I would purchase this again but the price will probably prevent me from doing that. As a young family we just don't have the money to spend that on a main course for one. If you're on an organic or gluten free diet I would give this a shot. 



Last in the box I received from Influenster was a snack size bag of Glutino pretzels. I love pretzels so I was reluctant to try these because I love my classic pretzel. I bit into a couple of these and gave them a good try. They taste fine. Just like a normal pretzel. The taste is exactly the same. I get why it's the number one gluten free snack. The search for normalcy probably brought you here because they're darn close. The only thing that was at all different was the texture. It was almost like the inside of the pretzel was made out of the outside of the pretzel. Less bready would be a great way to describe it. My friends and family loved them. Some said they even preferred them because they didn't dry your mouth out like normal pretzels and then they finished off the bag. Most of these praises coming from someone who doesn't like pretzels. 

 All in all my day of being a gluten free foodie wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Most of these foods were pretty decent. I liked a lot of foods and the ones that I didn't love were fine tasting and just had weird textures or something. I didn't dislike any of these which is surprising because I'm pickier than most kids. All of these foods would probably be a great thing to try if you are on a gluten free diet and are trying to try foods that taste as close to normal as possible. 

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